To My Grandfather

I don't think it will be this difficult, he died 2 weeks ago and I still can't get through this. I'm escaping myself every time and didn't allowed myself to grieve. I never knew death can be so close. It's always happen to someone else, but when it hit me, it's just difficult.

Now I know the meaning of saying "I love you" to those you love whenever possible, it's real and not just a cliche since you really never know when. I'm drenched in tears now as I'm writing this post for him knowing for sure he is not here to read it. I love him so much.

I've been in cycles of emotions from sad, numbness, anger, trying to forget about it, and all over again and again. I didn't come to his funeral, I can't bear the sight of his body, can't bear to imagine he's not waking up, his body just lying there and can't move anymore. And I have to be strong in front of my grandmother who is staying with me now, if I break down she'll follow me and grieve more. They have been together for 70 years, the word soul mate doesn't even compared to their love for each other.

My grandparents are like my parents too, I was really fond of them. I kept thinking about them and just love to be around them, even when I moved to Singapore I kept writing letters to them to keep in touch, no, they don't do email, normal letter using the service of postman. They taught me so many things in life, it's just so funny how some people can't see that.

My grandpa taught me honesty, it is the most important thing in the world for him, and for my grandmother, she taught me how to be a woman in a household, but she is very modern, she also work, from farming to baking and cooking. She taught me how to become a good mother. How to be a good wife, how patience endures and melt the coldest heart.

My grandpa final year is a misery.  They don't have their own home and his first and youngest children refuse to take him (and my grandma) into their home (for unreasonable excuses). We live in an apartment that was so small that they also refuse to be a burden to us (which was so not true, they are never a burden). So they rent a small place. He was sick for months and somehow every time we visit him, he was in okay, and the next day his condition would drop so bad 'till he couldn't walk anymore.

My grandpa is 90 years old, a very strong male with wrinkles. He doesn't have any illnesses like old man have (Alzheimer, cholesterol, high blood pressure, diabetic, or anything) he was healthy but the doctor said they found something in his liver. Everything has been done including a successful but somehow his condition went from stable to worst.

He was gone too soon. If I can have a wish, I would say just one more day with him, just a day without the pain, I want to see him smiling, listening to his favorite folk songs, flirts my grandma,
and telling me stories from the past.

Just to be with him, and told him I how much I care and I wish I can do more for him.

Akung